Hangry Nonna Lisa

As previously outlined I have some anxious and depressive tendencies. I recently came back from a Dr's appointment in which I went over these and many other physical symptoms that have been waxing and waning but as a whole worsening over the years. In short, I was recommended to get tested for Celiac Disease. If I am positive it will be bittersweet. I will finally have a potential answer to why I feel like such a pile of dog crap, both physically and mentally, BUT it will also suck ass as I will no longer be able to indulge in many tasty things that I love.  I would not be able to eat any Gluten ie Wheat, Barley, Rye etc. Now wait wait, before y'all start rolling your eyes at me and this Gluten thing, hear me out. This Gluten free thing has become a bit of a fad in my books. People are assuming it is cleansing to eliminate Gluten or will make them healthier or look like a model or win them points with the earth or something. Celiac Disease is a Disease in which Gluten triggers terrible autoimmune reactions that attack your own body. Also there is a huge spectrum of Gluten sensitivities that people can have, call them allergies, intolerance or whatever, but it IS NOT some bandwagon jumping craze that people need to try like goddamn acia berries with Greek yogurt and cross fit! Anyone who is eliminating it should consult and be directed by a DR and not Dr Google. So back to the tasty things I cannot have. Examples:

• Guinness
• Bourbon

Well those are really my top two, but it also includes a variety or other bread like, cake like, pie, deep fried, battered, breaded, candy, yummos that everyone says you can luckily find many substitutes for. I assume these people have never tried "Gluten Free Loaf" In an effort to try some gluten free  stuff before the hammer comes down and potentially diagnosis me Celiac, I tried "Gluten Free Loaf" It was disgusting.... For god's sake they have to call it "loaf" for one. How appetizing does that sound? "Ahhh yes I will have some toasted loaf, a slice of loaf please" This stuff is soooo dry and pasty it was almost unbearable. In my panic I thought maybe toasted loaf wouldn't be so bad, but upon further inspection of the bag it says not to toast for more than 19-30 second as it may catch fire!!! This stuff truly is the devil's work. What kind of loaf should cause your appliances to engulf in flames upon toasting??

So in a hangry rage I scoured the kitchen looking for anything to eat. Mother Hubbards' cupboards were bare.....What I did find was a can of diced tomatoes, some ancient spice (not in the sense of health guru ancient grains ascending the pyramids with their mighty temple secrets of the Nile), but literally some spices that were so old they ceased to look like anything distinguishable, and fresh garlic (praise the Italian gondola gods). 
I commenced making one of the most kick ass pasta sauce I have ever made! No lie this stuff was unreal. Let me elaborate:

• 1 can of diced Tomatoes (no seasoning in these bad boys, just pure virgin tomatoes)
• 2 cloves of garlic, grated on a fine toothed grater
• 2 TBSP olive oil, or I assume any oil would do (I can hear the gondola gods smiting me)
• A good dash of Onion spice in place of the real onions that were no where to be found
• Some salt and pepper to taste. I like things with a bit of bite so I put a decent amount of pepper in it. If you are cultured you may even have some pepper flakes in your spice rack (Does a rack need to consist of more than 3 spices??)
• 2 pinches of brown sugar. That's right not any plain ole white sugar. I had some caked up brown sugar from a scrumpie evening past (Scrumpie recipe to follow)
• Milk
• Gluten free rice noodles. Or any damn noodles you please if your body allows you to eat whatever you want.

Now I  fried  sauteed the garlic in the oil for a bit. Drain the tomatoes and dump them in the pan. Add your salt and pepper. I tasted this sauce many times throughout its cooking, thus changing my S:P ratio a few times. Toss in the sugar and onion seasoning. Now proceed to cook it, all the while tending to your boiling pasta, repeatedly taste testing the sauce and speaking out loud to your self in a strange "Italian Nonna" like voice about how your sauce is just like mama used to make in Sicily. I also pretended to add in red wine, cause I thought that sounded like something a Nonna would do.... (For the record I'm Austrian and German) Since I didn't have any red wine, I let the sauce cool a bit and poured in a dash of milk. A trick a German friend of mine showed me, just like Gro(B)sseltern used to make ;)

Just as I poured it onto the plate  beautifully plated it I saw some Parmesan cheese hiding in the cupboard. EXP 2015, looked more orange than white, but meh, once it's in the sauce it will look orange anyways. And......EAT! Yumm Yumm. Sooooo good. Now maybe it's just me and my personal taste. Maybe it was the fact that my stomach was eating itself due to the disappointing loaf from 1st dinner. Maybe this is the recipe that every person in the world uses and already knows about. But, holy man it was good for a bunch of shit in the cupboards that hadn't seen the light of day in who knows how long. Now, I know I can make a mean sauce with fresh ingredients. Give me fresh basil, some mushrooms and Roma's, and onions and Mama Mia it is wicked. But I have to say I'm pretty proud of this concoction of stale ingredients. 

Mwuahah! Suck it LOAF!